So Nice to See You Last Wednesday


Dear Mr Banyard,

look it was really good to see you the last Wednesday. It had been such a long time since we last saw each other that I really didn't know what to say, over twenty years! So this is why I am writing to you now to just make sure that all is well. I was able to tell quite easily that you were overcome with emotion aswell. Although I am a little confused as I detected a sliiiiiiiight negativity in the tone of your voice.



I noticed on numerous occasions you referred to an event that happen way back in 1987. Admittedly, I had completely forgotten about it and that was probably why the expression upon my face may well have looked as though I thought you were an idiot. Rest assured that I do not think you are an idiot despite what my facial expression may have indicated. My facial expression was indicative of a loss of memory on my part and not that I think you are an idiot. You are my friend. 

I suppose it was only after you clarified what the 1987 incident was was I able to recall it, I really had to plumb the depths of my subconsciousness to retrieve the memories to which you were referring. But yes you were right and I finally remembered, after some prompting from your good self. In all fairness I suppose it was difficult for you to forget that I had had sexual intercourse with your then girlfriend at your house but conversely it was difficult for me to remember seeing as though I had been drunk and was operating on a fairly primitive level of human instinct, whilst you were downstairs... entertaining all the other guests... at your 21st birthday party... all the way back in 1987.

Now fair is fair when I said to you last Wednesday that 'It was over  twenty years ago and alot of water has flowed under the bridge and that your then girlfriend had probably gone on to marry some moron only for his money,' yes well I suppose I do owe you an apology for that. I mean yes I suppose I am sorry but I would point out that after her infidelity with me, upstairs in your parent's bed, the probable likelihood of you and her having remained together for any considerable period of time beyond that was pretty slender. Admittedly I got that wrong but the 'rich moron' remark should be seen in this context as just coincidental.

Also, in my defence the likelihood of you and her still being together after all that time was pretty slim. I mean, the average marriage these days is no longer than seven years. So it wasn't as though my statement was a deliberately targeted attack upon your personage nor indeed your ability to remain faithful to her was it? 

Ultimately, when I said to you that 'she had probably married some moron purely for his money'  this was intended only as an off the cuff remark. I suppose it is the sort of thing anyone says when they are attempting to  rubbish some insignificant person about an incident that had happened twenty years ago. The fact that you do indeed have a lot of money I think should be seen as a reflection of all the hard work you have done over the years but again I must stress it was a coincidental remark. 

Another thing that should be regarded as a coincidence was when you told me that one of the last things she had said before walking out on you two weeks ago was;

'You moron, why do you think I married you? It certainly wasn't for your looks, it was for your fucking money.' 

I think we can safely say at this stage that really, in all honesty I wish I had chosen a different expression to try to rubbish her. I say this because, at first glance anyways, it does look suspiciously like myself and your soon-to-be ex-wife have been having an affair. Again this is only what it appears to be, everything else is just a coincidence. 

Another coincidence that I feel I must point out to you is the email I had sent to your soon to be ex-wife on facebook. Yes I did write to her;

'How are you beautiful have you married some bald-headed fat bloke for his money?'

Yes this one doesn't really help either does it. Certainly I think the use of the word 'fat' could be described as 'unfortunate.' In fact many very accomplished individuals across the world suffer from obesity so you are not alone there. Of course when I say you are not alone I don't mean you are one of those generously sized people. Let's just say your soon to be ex-wife makes very good food. My remark to her about having married a 'bald, fatso' goes back many a year to a time when this expression was nothing but a private joke between us.

Also, yes you don't seem to have as  much hair as you used either. Again, really just coincidence and the remark just like the first one was a bad choice of words. Again myself and your wife have had no contact since we did it together on your birthday. Overall, I think the general point here is that she had not made any reference to her marital status on facebook and I had just merely assumed that she was single, as one does with facebook. 

In this respect I suppose it was this lack of accurate information on her facebook page that was a major contributory factor in me requesting a recommencement of 'sexual relations just like in the old days,' although I didn't actually use those precise words. Admittedly, she did and still  does think of our time together as a relationship but I must stress that that is her perception. Personally, I have looked at the whole thing between me and her in a more flexible way and when I referred to 'the good old days' I was simply referring to the evening of your 21st birthday party and  no more. So please rest easily as the 'old days' are a reference exclusive of the time we did it behind your back at your birthday party.

At this juncture I would like to say that I never actually got round to saying what a great birthday party it was. You know the sort of thing, coming of age, freedom, gay sex... not that you would have though because you had a girlfriend but umm it's just that if you had wanted to you could have without being locked up... err... and of course don't forget being able to drive a lorry. No it was a great party thanks, I had a great time. Naturally, when I say I had a great time I don't think there is any real need to have to clarify that the party was great irrespective of the fact that your girlfriend and I were cheating on you. No leaving aside that event that party would have been great for you too and I am sure you would have enjoyed it just as much as me. Even more so than me... err exclusive of any activities with my then ex-girlfriend/your girlfriend. 

Now I don't want to preach here but when you shouted at me that you had never celebrated a single birthday since that date because of the events upstairs, well I really think that you could try to move things on. I know it must have been upsetting for you but to carry that weight upon your shoulders for the last twenty years can't really have done you much good Brian. However, what is done is done but on the positive side you will be divorced soon so you will be free of the deceiving wife, whom you still are deeply in love with. I suppose the cruelest part of those events all those years ago must have been the moment when you put two and two together and realised something was amiss. 

I suppose it is never a nice moment to learn that someone is being unfaithful to you, especially when it is behind your back. The fact that the music had been stopped in order to sing 'happy birthday' and that both your then girlfriend/my ex-girlfriend and myself were not in the room, after you had expressly wished us both to help you cut the cake can't have been very nice. I suspect this not very nice moment was compounded by the banging noises and ecstatic screaming and groaning coming from upstairs.

Additionally, the shouting of each other's names very loudly was a further clue to what was going on. This can be put down to bad timing. I specifically remembered your father telling me that the cake was going to be cut at 9 o'clock that evening and NOT the 8 o'clock that had actually transpired. Had I known your father suffered from chronic Dyslexia both I and your then girlfriend would have sought to confirm what time the cake was going to have been cut before going upstairs to err... um... well you know...  and this whole affair would have passed unnoticed. 

You know I wouldn't take it to harshly that you had invited exactly 100 people to that party. On the negative side yes, you are right that meant that there were alot of witnesses to you crumbling to the floor and crying your eyes out like a baby but you were only 21 years old. However, there is a positive side to this too. It is that 100 people wanted to be there to witness your birthday. That means 100 people respect you Brian, 100 people want you to be happy, 100 people trust you and will be there to help you when the chips are down. Well I suppose that is really 98 people actually as I think you wouldn't really want to include myself and your girlfriend in that tally. But look, those 98 people are there to help you Brian and that is a good thing as divorce can be really messy these days.

I hope this letter has not impinged upon what otherwise could have been nice day.