Re: Your Abduction by Aliens.

Dear Mr Scruttocks, 

thank you for your letter of the 3rd February 2013 in which you went into great detail concerning the events of the 31st December 2012. I appreciate that these events were very traumatising for you and I just want to go over a few points just to satisfy my own mind before taking this matter any further as I feel that you may have somehow possibly by chance misinterpreted them. This is really to calm your nerves and just to give you a bit of time to assuage any fears you have that people from outer space in a flying saucer abducted you that evening and that they are 'out to get you' and in your words

'rip me to pieces in some horrid experiment'

Letter to Iran

Your Excellency President Ahmadinejad of the Islamic People's Republic of Iran

First of all sorry for the apparent late response to your letter dated 15th May 2012 in which you promised that you would,

'boil me alive in a vat of my own blood until my screams will be heard deafiningly at the gates of hell and beyond.'

Very Famous American Writer

'The coldest winter I ever had was a summer in San Francisco'

These words encapsulate the very essence of the fair city of San Francisco. For whilst it is a city of prosperity, culture and success It is also a city of contradiction. This quotation, written by none other than the person who wrote them, were written by a famous writer from the United States who was known to everyone by his name, umm well I've forgotten his name actually but I shall keep writing anyway as San Francisco is a fascinating city.

We Need to Talk About Brian

Dear Mr Stocks,

I just want to take this oppotunity to write and indeed thank you for your letter of last week outlining several points that have come to my attention lately.

While your letter was very much appreciated it wasn't quite what I was looking for and I think I may have detected a somewhat evasive tone.

So Nice to See You Last Wednesday

Dear Mr Banyard,

look it was really good to see you the last Wednesday. It had been such a long time since we last saw each other that I really didn't know what to say, over twenty years! So this is why I am writing to you now to just make sure that all is well. I was able to tell quite easily that you were overcome with emotion aswell. Although I am a little confused as I detected a sliiiiiiiight negativity in the tone of your voice.

Glad You're leaving Britain

Dear Mr Narov,

I just heard the news that you are going to leave the country. Just to let you know that I am really happy about this and I'm really glad to hear you are finally going.

All the best

Mark

Lovely Dinner Party Vicar

Dear Vicar,

I just want to thank you for that lovely dinner last night. It was a real joy to talk about life, philosophy, religion and the state of affairs of all the world at the moment. It was a superb evening and indeed it was very nice to meet your wife.

Let's do it again sometime soon

All the best

Mark

A Super Sunny Day

Dear Mr Goodyear,
the sun is shining beautfully, the birds are singing away happily, it's lovely and warm and I am drinking a superb glass of wine on the Balcony.

What a wonderful day it is.

Being Here, Nor There.

Dear Vicar,
Pierro here. why?... err no sorry I can't answer that question very well but if you don't like it it is tough because I am not somewhere else. Which I suppose begs the question why am I not somewhere else?

In fact that is exactly what I suspect you are thinking whilst reading this drivel. As a point in fact I feel as though I must point out that, in purely relative terms I am somewhere else right at this very moment according to everybody else who is not here. Or, put another way, I am either somewhere else according to 7 billion other people, for that is the approximate population of the world as I write, or that somewhere else is just one handy holding point.

Being Catholic

Being a lapsed Catholic does not absolve me of the guilt that was betrothed to me upon my birth.

In allocating me guilt upon birth, the Catholic Church has created a lock-in partnership no less powerful than one gets when one buys an Iphone or Ipad. Once you have got this product the chances of escape from the clutches of Apple Inc are limited.

Be that as it may I accept my guilt. Thank you God.