Glad You're leaving Britain

Dear Mr Narov,

I just heard the news that you are going to leave the country. Just to let you know that I am really happy about this and I'm really glad to hear you are finally going.

All the best


Of course when I say that I am happy about this I don't mean this in a way that indicates that I am glad to see the back of your personage. I mean it in a way that shows how happy I am for you at the joyful news that you have finally made this bold decision to go back to the country you criticised.

Of course the use of the word 'finally' doesn't indicate that I have not recently been happy to see you go back neither, as is a matter of fact, I have always wanted to see you go back. Err that doesn't mean that I have never wanted you here either. Nor does it mean that I have only recently always wanted you to stay here either as I have always wanted you to stay here. Well not always, as we only met in 1997 and it would have been a bit stupid for me to want you to be here before we even met.

Not that that would have been impossible as there are many ways I could have found out about you without having met you. Not that I am capable of doing such a thing of course but if I was for example a member of your country's secret police then they probably would have had a large file on your good self and I would have been able to find out all the information that would have needed to find a reason to make your life miserable or put a bullet through your head. So when I say that I have always wanted you to stay I don't mean the alwaysness is a period of time that is a time period greater than the period of time we have actually known each other, even it is possible that I could have known this for a bit longer than the aforementioned time and used it to maybe, to make your life a misery or something like that.

Um let me just clarify this a little will you as I don't think I am being very helpful here. What I am trying to say is that although I have always wanted to see you return to your country I don't mean that in a sort of racist, bigoted way indicative of me hating you. I mean it in a way that demonstrates my happiness at your leaving.... because your leaving means, that finally, your country is safe to return to and the secret police won't assassinate you, even if I was a bigoted racist.

Not that a bigoted racist would be unhappy to see you leave of course. I am sure that they would be just as happy as me to see you go, if not happier! So who says they are all mean and unfriendly. Unless they were also psychotic aswell as bigoted and racist. In which case they would have wanted you to stay and may well have wanted you to stay more than me because they would probably have needed you as a hate figure to justify their own personal issues. Not unlike the authorities in your own county to which you will be heading back  on tonight's plane.

Although I am sure they are not like that any longer! I mean they can't be like that any longer otherwise they wouldn't have invited you back unless it was a trap. Not that it is a trap of course. That was just a theory. I am sure that torture and the infliction of pain upon your personage, by your government has been off the agenda for many a year and that all has been forgotten since they executed your father in order to get to you. Let bygones be bygones my friend.

On a personal note, I wouldn't have really criticised your government in the first place but that is just me. I just keep my mouth closed and get on with things, which I suspect is exactly what you want me to do right now so what do I know about things in your life? I mean it is not as though your secret file containing what sort of torture the authorities are planning to do to you, upon your return, has been published on the internet now is it?

Not that there is a secret file with plans of how the authorities are planning to torture you of course it's just that if there was then you wouldn't find out about it on the internet because then it wouldn't actually be a secret file it would be a err... um.. file...... But then again if it was just a file nobody would read it anyway would they because who would want to read a boring 'file' Actually I think I have digressed slightly off the point here which was that nobody is planning to torture you that I am aware of. And just to prove it I have checked on the internet just a minute ago which means your life is going to be torture free and that is something to be grateful for.

Well actually we shouldn't have to be grateful for that actually because it is a basic human right to not be tortured but in your case I suppose you didn't do yourself any favours by slagging off your own government. Still, it's always nice to know that there are no plans for torture or assassination or poison made against us for when we can be safely pulled off the street. Although pulling someone off of the street isn't very good as there can be witnesses. No the best way to do that is to break the door down in the middle of the night whilst you are asleep. Not that you will be getting much sleep back home when you first arrive what with the worry of getting framed. So at least there is one positive thing that you can take with you. I think I'd best stop writing now.

Have a pleasant flight

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