Re: Your Abduction by Aliens.

Dear Mr Scruttocks, 

thank you for your letter of the 3rd February 2013 in which you went into great detail concerning the events of the 31st December 2012. I appreciate that these events were very traumatising for you and I just want to go over a few points just to satisfy my own mind before taking this matter any further as I feel that you may have somehow possibly by chance misinterpreted them. This is really to calm your nerves and just to give you a bit of time to assuage any fears you have that people from outer space in a flying saucer abducted you that evening and that they are 'out to get you' and in your words

'rip me to pieces in some horrid experiment'

I think it prudent to just brief you on some of the issues that may come your way from the media if you do indeed decide to go ahead and tell this story to the press. The first thing I would like you to confirm is the timing of that evening. I just want to be sure it was at the time you said it was. Your opening paragraph, reprinted below, indicates the time but not in a precise way, see below;
 Well one had just exited the pub after having downed three bottles of chateaux de Molin de cote flambolier followed by a chaser. Then all washed down with a swift Ardbeg 1943, well four swift ones actually as the first three were a bit too swift if you know what I mean?'
In fact, one can even narrow the timing down to the opening line 'Well one had just exited the pub...' I just thought I would include the entire paragraph for context and not to make you appear to be a fucking idiot.

Incidentally, I do not think you are a fucking idiot I just think it is a little bit possible that many people could think that you may have somehow inadvertently misinterpreted the events of that evening. Not that you definitely misinterpreted the events of course. I mean who is to say that you were not abducted by people from outer space? I mean if I was an alien being I think parking my UFO in the vicinity of 'The Thrashing Knacker' Pub along the A21, two miles past The East Grinstead South flyover is as good a place as any to park. So I am more than prepared to accept that you were abducted by spacemen that evening. I just think it wise you prepare yourself for the inevitable questioning you will get from everybody after you have told this story to the newspapers. So it is other people that will think you are a fucking idiot, not me.

Incidentally, I'd just like to draw you attention to something I wrote earlier, 'If I was an alien being I think parking my UFO in the vicinity of 'The Thrashing Knacker' Pub... as good a place as any to park.' I think it worth pointing out here that I wouldn't actually be flying nor indeed 'parking' a UFO. This is because the acronym U.F.O. stands for 'Unidentified,' which means not recognisable. 'Flying,' which is the gerund form of the verb 'to fly' and finally, 'Object' which means err.. object. Well anyway in this scenario if I were the alien being flying, parking or commanding it, then the object would not be 'Unidentified' to me. It would in fact be an Identified Flying Object. Come to think of it it wouldn't be an object either, it would be a vehicle of some description. Anyway the point here is that since I was flying it I would know what it was and therefore I wouldn't be referring to it as an Unidentified Flying Object. No, I would probably have a clearer idea of what it actually was that I was flying and therefore it would most certainly be identified.

Before I go on any further I also doubt that I would give it the label of Flying. I mean it would be a bit silly now wouldn't it as for example we don't call planes 'flying planes' now do we? No we just call them planes and it is implied in the name that the things fly. However, if it was plane shaped but was not capable of flying then we wouldn't call it a non-flying plane. Come to think of it we wouldn't even call it a plane, no we would call it something like a plane-shaped-object that does not fly or more precisely a thing or maybe a useless aeroplane and through implication its inability to fly would be obvious.

Anyway my overall point here is that alien beings most probably refer to their own vehicles not as Unidentified Flying Objects, but something more akin to an Identified Vehicle capable of flight. Actually that sounds rubbish so whatever they call their UFO's they would be aware that the things fly so they wouldn't need to refer to them as 'flying,' the things would be Identified so they wouldn't have to refer them as 'unidentified' and the things wouldn't be 'objects' because everyone on that alien planet would know what they are. So in all probability these craft would in all likelihood actually be a 'Non-Unidentified Moving-Except-When-Stationary Non-Object. Which if you put together in an acronym you get N.U.M.E.W.S.N.O. So whatever they call their N.U.M.E.W.S.N.O.'s they would not be calling them U.F.O.'s. They may call them, off the top of my head, a 'Blurj' or a 'Hrmmmpt' or even a 'Riranic' or a whole host of alien words and names that I can not begin to imagine they would use.

Anyway, I feel this acronym is a lot more appropriate to the commander or pilot of an alien vessel that knows of its existence, unlike ourselves who do not know of it's existence and therefore have to call it the opposite of what the commander of the alien vessel knows it to be.

Also, when I say that we do not know of its existence I mean that in a relative way. I mean we all know about Unidentified Flying Objects, we know that because when we see one we tend to say things like 'Oh my God... what is that?' and because we don't actually know what it is, because we have never seen one before, we can then allocate the object the label 'unidentified' because we don't know what it is. That is not to say we then know what it is, we don't, because it is unidentified. I mean the whole point of an unidentified flying object is that we don't know what it is irrespective of the fact that we don't know what it is.

One more thing here on this point of the designation of alien craft is that I feel it is important that whatever the alien beings call their N.U.M.E.W.S.N.O.'s the name allocated to it would not only be known to the commander of it and that the same terminology would also be used by the inflight cleaner, as I am sure there would be a need to clean the interior every now and then from dust or ink marks from administrative affairs and all that sort of thing.

Anyway, 'exiting the pub' set alarm bells ringing in my ears as I am fully aware that you are not the sort of person who is not capable of entering a public house at 11:00 in the morning and are unable to maintain yourself in the same chair until well beyond closing time of the same day if left unattended. The fact that you have not actually ever left a pub before closing time in the last seven years indicates that your evening and indeed your interpretation of that evening may not have been entirely unaffected by the estimated four bottles of wine you had possibly consumed, the press may pick you up on this. The second thing I found in your letter that I felt may be picked up on by the newspapers was this part.
' one was walking back along the road from the pub, one noticed that ones weight was starting to increase and eventually the old legs gave way. Although one did not realise this at the time, this was obviously a gravitational effect of the flying saucer’s propulsion system as it closed in on my personage.'
Now I am not entirely sure about matters pertaining to Unidentified Flying Object propulsion systems so you may in fact be right, however one thing I have noticed over the years is that after a person has visited the pub their weight increases slightly depending on the difference between how much they have consumed compared to how much they have shat or pissed in the same evening so that could be a factor. I do urge caution on this one as I suspect the press will jump on the consumption of alcoholic beverage you had that evening. They will merely say you were under the influence and dismiss you out of hand. I may be wrong on this matter but I do think it may be worth your while doing some research on extra-terrestrial propulsion systems to indeed confirm that an increased gravitational field is generated around their interstellar vehicles, trying googling it.

Moving on to your next paragraph, while insightful, others may deem it further evidence pointing to a certain amount of self deception. Not that I think you are deluded or anything like that. One could state that your subconscious was merely having a laugh at your expense and making you imagine that you were abducted by aliens. You know what the subconscious is like. It's never direct nor completely honest even with itself. In that paragraph you described, quite convincingly I thought, the moment when the flying saucer revealed itself to you as you were lying in the ditch next to the bus stop. 
'...and that was when I saw it! Initially it was just two bright lights heading towards me following the exact path of the road.'
 For a journalist this could be a clincher as the reference to the fact that the two bright lights were 'following the exact path of the road' and that they were 'as bright and as far apart as that of an ordinary family saloon car' could be construed by some that it was actually a saloon car. Again, whilst never actually having seen a flying saucer I am more than happy to concede that some flying saucers do not necessarily have dimensions that are not too dissimilar to that of an ordinary family saloon car. I mean, why would they necessarily have dimensions that were not too dissimilar to each other? Who is to say that they are different? I know I am not to say, so again prepare yourself for a journalistic attack on your veracity.I found the next part quite interesting too.
 'As the UFO got closer, just above those two lights appeared two more that started flashing and rotating a deep blue colour. This was followed by a bright piercing sound that went something like 'woooowwwww.' For comparison think of the exact same sound that a police car makes as it is about to apprehend someone.'
'I'm on your side on this one too. It is quite feasible that flying saucers have the exact same sound as a police siren. I mean if it is good enough for the police then it is good enough for alien beings. It is also perfectly believable that they were mimicking the sounds of a police siren to lure any potential abductee into a false sense of security so as to not put the fear of fucking shit into them. I mean what better way to make an abductee feel safe and sound by pretending to be a police car. 

Anyway, I do indeed applaud you for your next line in which you courageously stood up to these aliens when you said,
'One started to feel fear but one was not prepared to show it, you know what these foreigners are like, so I shouted at them ’get lost filth I know where you live.’  
It's the bulldog spirit inside every Briton that comes to the fore in situations just like these. When one is about to go down then one goes down fighting. I was only sorry to hear that what you said came out all slurred and unintelligible as if you had been drinking solidly for the previous twelve hours, and that these 'alien trash were obviously hypnotising you in order to slur your words. I take heart that despite their attempts to hypnotise you I suspect that if they were who you reckoned them to be then I am sure that they knew perfectly well what you were saying to them, even if you were incapable of saying it.

I think that a journalist here could easily pick up on this part of your story and turn it round to illustrate a potential fault from your angle. So prepare yourself for this one. I think you need to ask yourself here what ratio of alien hypnosis to units of alcohol was actually affecting you speech? I am not really an expert on these matters seeing as I never actually remember how many units of alcohol I drink per evening but it is just possible that their hypnosis skills may not have been as good as you make out? Well that is what some crafty hack would ask.

Of course when I say 'make out' I do not mean that in the way that people who live in the United States of America mean it, as in 'getting off' with each other. Not that all Americans go round getting off with each other. No when I say 'each other' I mean those that choose to get off with each other, who get off with each other. Those that don't go round getting off with each other don't get off with each other. I just want to be clear on that matter.
Also that doesn't mean that those that don't go round getting off with each other don't get off with anyone, or everyone. No those people just get off with err.. well I imagine they get off with those that they want to get off with. Specifically those that they have selected only to get off with on a regular basis and nobody else. Usually this is because they are married. And just to clarify this, when I say they are married I mean are married to each other and not married to somebody else either.

Not that you can be married to someone else, well actually that is the technical meaning of marriage, you can't be married to yourself now can you? Well I don't think you can, possibly if you were schizophrenic you may stand a better chance of being married to yourself than a person who is not a sufferer of schizophrenia, simply on the grounds that you would know that you were not two people. Whereas a schizophrenic person would not know that they were a person of two personalities.

So henceforth when I use the expression 'make out' I mean that in the British English way of using it, which is in terms of 'to describe' or 'to understand something.' Not that people in the United State of America do not us it as a way 'to describe' or 'to understand' something as well. No sir they do not. No I mean that in the United States of America they have a choice of how to use 'make out' which is either the same as we use here or not the same as we use here. Which in their case is related to getting off with someone or describing something. Whereas in our case we only use it in as a way of describing something. Not that we don't know what it means of course, we just don't use 'make out' to describe two people getting off with each other. No, for us the term that is used for this is 'fucking.'

Oh yes, where was I? Ah yes the next part of your letter does seem very interesting indeed. It was where you described the moment when the alien spacemen actually made contact with you! I found this bit a trifle frightening yet also a tad riveting as I have never encountered anyone who had been taken on board a flying saucer.
'I then felt them grab me by the arms and pick me up out of the ditch whereby I heard them speaking in their alien language something like ’gonafu kin kik yor hedin downthe stashun cahnt’ 
I have ran this through Google translate and so far not a single thing has come up regarding it's interpretation. Obviously this will go in your favour if you decide to go public.

At this juncture I must stress that there is one particular part of this incident where you claim you were assaulted by the aliens' robot. While this is perfectly credible, I mean if I was an alien being I would desist from doing any dirty work and getting into an incident by sending in the robots. However, the weak part here is that you claim the robot at the centre of this allegation was went by the designation of 'R2' followed by 'D2.' I really think it prudent of you to review this part of your story as you may well find that some people will not be as positively responsive to you if they feel their intellectual cognitive capabilities are having their metaphorical urine being extracted. For the time being I strongly urge you to refrain from mentioning this robot's designation. However, your description of this robot's attack really brings home to the reader the events of that night;
As the robot hovered over me, whilst the alien being stood almost immediately behind it I noticed that it was almost the exact shape, size and colour of an old dustbin. It then proceeded to flip itself over in mid air, with the alien being directly behind it. Then it's top came off, landing on my head, (clearly a blow to render myself unconscious) Then the robot proceeded to cover me in a strange concoction of material resembling a mixture of substances like paper, glass bottles, children's nappies, small bags of dog excrement. Not only that but it also reeked of things like empty beer bottles, used nappies, dog excrement and what have you. All this time the alien beings where shouting at me in their strange tongue 'fuh kinpoofta guna brayk your fuh kinarse downthe stashun cahnt'
Again I've ran this alien dialogue through google translate and I have come up with nothing.
'I then became completely overwhelmed and started vomiting profusely obviously because of the combined effects of the radioactivity generated by their flying saucer, its high gravity field and the heinous attack by their robot thing and the stench of the knock-out gas they were obviously using.'
This is all pretty sensational reading material Mr Scruttocks and I am sure that the press are going to have a field day with your story. I am also sure that you are correct when you wrote;

'I'm going to make tons of cash with this one. Seychelles here I come.'
Indeed there is a vast potential to make lots of cash with this story but I would desist from promoting that side of it. In fact if anybody asks you about the financial benefits from your experience I would advise you to say that you have not given it much consideration or that you are thinking about setting up a charity or even donating it to a charity of your choice. Try to keep it to yourself.
Clearly after losing consciousness you are unable to recount what happened so I would highlight the numerous injuries sustained by yourself at the hands of these abductors. Obviously your two black eyes accompanied by several cuts here and there. Also explain the pain you had to endure for several days after the abduction and that it was very difficult to sit down as a consequence of the vigorous rectal probing the aliens gave you whilst you were unconscious. This sort of stuff is usually locked onto by the general public and they remember it for ages. It will make your story more memorable for people. The confirmation you received from the police constables to your injuries will add to this credibility.
Also I think it is worth your time giving a little 'thank you' to the police. For their swift and caring response and that fact that they believed every word of your story. After all what with so many stories of the police being a bunch of idiots these days it will be nice for them to have something that offers support and portrays them in a good light for once in lifetime. In particular, describe how the Alien abductors beamed you into a police cell first thing in the morning.
Furthermore, try to get the names of the two policemen that actually saw you get beamed in. You know I think it was really brave of them to believe your story and that they had had other people beamed in just like yourself in the past. Also their selflessness is to be commended and noted because you pointed out that they themselves had been abducted because they had also been obviously attacked as they had several cuts and bruises on their faces almost as if they had been trying to arrest a drunkard from the night before.
For my part I would prefer it if you did not use my name in this story. It's not because I think it is a load of bollocks, irrespective of the telephone conversation we had where I subsequently failed to hang up the phone properly and you heard me talking to the wife in which I said;
'it was just that fucking Scruttocks with his cock and bull story about being ab-ducted by little green men.'
As I have explained before, that statement was really for the placation of my wife who likes to argue a lot and thinks you were actually beaten up by the police and that there is nothing more to it than that. I do appreciate that you think she hates your guts but in reality, despite what she says to your face she is really nice to you behind your back. I merely said those things in order not to get into a fuss.

Ultimately, I think you are right when you said in a previous letter that you thought she may just be suffering from a little touch of jealousy and secretly wishes that it was her who had this story. So I beg of you please don't put my name anywhere on this article. It is your story and yours alone, it is you that deserves everything that you get or receive from it not me. You can take everything that the press and public has to throw at you. By that I mean flowers, money, adoration, various assortments of cheeses and what have you.
Please keep the article associated as close to you as possible I beg of you. Nothing to do with me at all. It's your story, you take the glory. Despite offering me half of all the money I still think that you should have it all. I mean if you were to include my name then I could be entitled to all the money and I am sure you wouldn't want that now. Think of the ugly legal battle that could ensure if I were to suddenly go off my rocker and want all of it? It would be a mess! We'd never speak to each other again. So it's only right and proper that you keep it all and keep my name free of the article.
All the best Pierro
P.S. How is your career in politics going? Remember get this article printed before announcing your candidature in the forthcoming bi-election. It will generate lots of publicity for you.