Letter to Iran

Your Excellency President Ahmadinejad of the Islamic People's Republic of Iran

First of all sorry for the apparent late response to your letter dated 15th May 2012 in which you promised that you would,

'boil me alive in a vat of my own blood until my screams will be heard deafiningly at the gates of hell and beyond.'



I only received this letter last Wednesday and have been working on an appropriate reply for a day or two now. The contents of which you are now reading. While I am pleased you gave my suggestions such considered thought and took the time and effort to reply I do feel as though the promise you made in that letter (see above) was a trifle unsettling seeing as I was only proposing moderate reforms to your Gevernment's' economic policies to help stimulate growth.

In fact your letter made numerous promises to me many of which left lingering feelings of trepidation within my personage. For example, my suggestion that 'Iran Khodro P.L.C.', which happens to be the largest car manufacturer in the region, should consider changing the spelling to 'Kudrow.' This suggestion was based on an idea to emulate the name of the actress Lisa Kudrow, whose portrayal of a mentally 'delayed' person in the television series 'Friends' had gained her world wide fame. The logic behind the new spelling was to make Iran Khodro more accessible to western markets and thus increase revenue and promote friendly relations between your good country and the rest of the world. I was therefore a moderately surprised at your response where you indicated that this suggestion has brought you to,

'...pray to God to force the unleashment of the dogs of war to savage and tear my limbs from my torso and feed my sorry entrails to the pestilent vultures of Satan's foul breath.'

Although not directly addressed I do think that your response is indicative of a declination of my suggestion, a simple 'No thank you Mark we like the name as it is.' would have sufficed. Which is fine by me as I have many more ideas that I am sure can benefit your government.

I have never been to Iran but have always wanted to go to your splendid country. It's rich history dating back thousands of years. Its treasuretrove of antiquities and its rich poetic literature all spring to mind. Also the Persian language 'Farsi' is also such a sweet sounding tongue with an ancient connection to the Indo-European group of languages of which English is also connected. I was therefore a bit miffed when you said,

The Great Satan (The United States of America) and The little Satan (The United Kingdom) speak with one foul and forked tongue that spits the venom of hateful putrifying lies serving only to contaminate God's glorious world.

Naturally, if that is the way you feel on this matter I will not be broaching the subject of our languages' ancient links in future correspondence. Particularly as I happened to mention that I had recently taken up an evening course near Chalfont St Peter in learning Farsi to which you stated quite eruditely that if I were to ever speak your language in public you would;

'take my rustic scimitar and slit your decadent throat a thousand times whilst watching your blood flow in rivers of death into the labyrinthine gutters of Zionist human waste management systems'

I am aware of the nature of Irano-Western relations at the moment, they are somewhat tense, but my letter to you of the 28th March 2012 was an attempt, on a personal level, to start moving things in a more positive direction. In that letter I thought it wise to say that we should not get off on the wrong foot. Possibly it was a tad silly of me to use an idiomatic expression in a formal letter which, I suspect is why you addressed this issue thus;

The Reaper will plunge his blistered and rabid teeth deep into the ankle of the unbeliever until the wrong foot of his empty soul is fed to him in all it's blood encrusted putrefaction.

So I just really want to take this opportunity to apologise for including that idiom. Idioms are very popular in the English language, in fact we use them til the cows come home but I will desist from including them in all my future correspondence.

At this juncture I feel as though I have to correct you on one point concerning your good wife. Indeed you have a point when you declared

Your sickening perverted Imperialist mind has dishonoured my family in casting aside the courtesy due to my wife on the day of her miraculous birth.

The point here is that I don't like bringing family matters into formal correspondence as it can cause confusion and misunderstandings. This is no more true than when you wrote in the very next paragraph the following

You raper of the innocent, you violator of virgins, you massacrer of marriages. Any salutation to my wife will be  treated with the contempt worthy of the philistinic heathen propagating his foul seed into the daughter of a saintly mother of the earth.

Forgive me but on the one hand you are upset with me for not saying happy birthday to your wife and on the other any greeting that I would have extended to her would have been rejected. I do think that that is slightly incongruous with the positive sentiment of my letter and also a little unfair. I suspect that there may have been a translation error somewhere along the line here so I will take it as such until I have a new translation done.

In addition to the suggested economic reforms that I made to you you will doubtless recall that I also suggested a tweak to your government’s environmental strategy. I will take this opportunity to just remind you that I suggested a less structured tree replenishment programme based on actual units of carbon emitted into the atmosphere rather than your current tree replenishment programme that suggests each new tree planted should be the equivalent of

Three headless carcasses of the occidental savage whose stomachs have been filled with all the foulness and plip-plops of a hundred pigeons.

Whilst many of your supporters were fervent advocates of this system there was however a deficit in the  ratio of trees being cut down to the number of Westerners being beheaded. This was in part due to the increase of low cost airlines travelling within Europe and America but also, and more pertinently, the ban on anybody from Western Countries coming to visit your wonderful country.

I was therefore a trifle peeved when you responded to my suggestion about liberalising this policy to include a 101% replacement programme based upon the a weighted tree fall indicator with leveraged assessment schedules using a basket of nominal growth forecasted factors thus;-

We will burn the earth, we will scorch the ground we will roast the very fibers of Mother Earth's sacred ground and incinerate hell itself to stop crappy westerners from cocking things up.

Two things here;

a) A scorced-earth policy never really serves anyone as it tends to do more harm than good

b) I have started to notice a decline in your lexical dexterity.

Trees are wonderful entities and their existence can brighten up the most gloomy of locations, particularly in big urban spaces and I agree with you that they serve many a practical function too. In this respect I have to hand it to you that it had not occurred to me to use trees also for the primary purpose of a somewhat more predictable function to help your government create a more homogenous society.

We use the tree to Hang Satan's Imperialist minions by the neck, to suffocate their final breath, to silence their foulness and to wash their mouths with soap of their poopy-caca propaganda. Their Bodies shall swing in the wind and rot for ever as an example to all that the crummy rubbishy westerner shall be damned all the way to hell.

Again there seems to be evidence here of a decline in your verbal dexterity. ’Poopy-caca’ is not a word possessing gravitas. It is a word of a child. It denotes simplicity and the notion that things have not been thought through properly. This exhibited itself no more clearly than in your rebuke of my suggested reforms to social policy whereby, at the very least, people whom have affectionate emotions towards those of the same genital group could be at least given the chance of living. This is your response;

The crappy Poof illness is the work of the beast. It’s crippity crappitiness is really crap and that’s the sort of crappitic thing they do in America.

It has to be pointed out here that you used the base word ’crap’ on five separate occasions. Standard English prefers a mixture of words in it’s clauses and sentences. Otherwise the sound is that of a person denuded of educational versatility. Merely altering the suffixes does not change the fact that the base word is still the same. For example ’crappitic’ whilst  clearly being an adjective is still a derivative of the word ’crap.’ also I suspect you had just invented that word purely for the purposes of sounding very clever.

Well it doesn't sound very clever actually. Neither do diminutive forms of well known phrases. For example, earlier in your response you wrote the following, which I have already eluded to in this letter

...pray to God to force the unleashment of the dogs of war to savage and tear my limbs from my torso and feed my sorry entrails to the pestilent vultures of Satan's foul breath.'

All this is fair enough in terms of English language grammar and vocabulary. However, later in your response when addressing my suggestion to have pink coloured icing on fairy cakes instead of blood-red you wrote the following

... pray to God to make the release of the puppies of deep shit in order to bite and rip off my arms and legs from my body and give the bits to the ill birds of the Evil One's bad breath. 

I'm very sorry but the two sentences are the same. 'Dogs of War.... Puppies of deep shit?' I suspect your interpreter just ran the first sentence through a synonym application and it came out with different words. This particular phrase was proceeded by a series of other recommendations, that I suspect in Farsi are very powerful but in English are a bit suspect, so what you could have written after the pink icing suggestion, insofar as it relates to your perception of women could have been something like,

'pink icing is the manifestation of the will of the woman and I drown you in the urine of a thousand dysenteric whores'

What you wrote was

'pink icing is a really girly and you should go and jump in the lake pal!'

Also, in response to my suggestion of a student exchange from my local primary school of children of between the ages of 6 to 9 and your own local children's school in Tehran, you could have written something along the lines of; 

'Bring upon my personage the foulness of the Dark Lord's rear end to forever curse my breath with the sordid stench that will forever burn the sinews of my soul to a million particles of hatred.'

what you wrote was;

'Crivens if you if you think I'm gonna arrange a student exchange programme you've got another thing coming! I've got enough going on with my own kids smashing the outside toilet seat.'

However, finally I was very happy to see that at the end of your response you at least tried to extend an olive branch of peace to me which was a very much welcome respite. I know times are difficult at the moment for your good nation and it lifted my spirits that you were able to do this. It really made a nice change from the rather at times tedious and tendencious mailstrom of negativity and accusations that were a touch petrifying to read at times. You olive branch is gratefully acknowledged and I think it is a sign that it may well be possible to work things out and that the future is very promising for everybody. The olive branch alluded to the lifting of the fatwa upon the author Salman Rushdie for his commonly referred piece of work 'The Satanic Verses' You wrote thus,

...the people of my country speak as of one mind and their wish for peace is my desire. We are a peaceful people with no desire to see thousands of plagues of evilness befall the peoples of other nations. And lo the crime of Satan's scribe to befoul our holiest of books with his very verse, [The Satanic Verses] more than twenty years past, was to suffer the punishment of hell's broken winded fury by disembowelment of the body of his putrid self shall now be considered a matter for revocation as a gesture of the hearts of all the people of Iran.

I appreciate you think that lifting the fatwa is a step in the right direction for mutual peace and understanding and that you will probably find it difficult to revoke the fatwa put upon Salman Rushdie due to the varying political groups of your political establishment. But in all honesty, don't bother, his books are crap.