Lovely Dinner Party Vicar

Dear Vicar,

I just want to thank you for that lovely dinner last night. It was a real joy to talk about life, philosophy, religion and the state of affairs of all the world at the moment. It was a superb evening and indeed it was very nice to meet your wife.

Let's do it again sometime soon

All the best


N.B. Of course when I say that it was nice to meet your wife I don't mean that in the sort of manner that would be indicative of a secret desire  to start a relationship with her. No I just want to be clear here that I am not the sort of person that would engage in a secret affair behind your back with your wife.

Come to think of it I wouldn't engage in an affair with your wife in front of your back either. Not that it is possible to engage in a secret affair in front of anyone's back because everyone's back is behind them. Although, from the point of view of your back I suppose that everything that it can see does actually happen in front of it so, on a technical level at least, anything that would happen in front of your eyes is actually behind the back.... of your back.

No I think I mean that I wouldn't engage in a secret relationship with your wife either behind your back, nor in front of your back or indeed in front of your front or perhaps behind your front if that were even possible. Actually I suppose that if I did engage in a secret relationship with your wife it wouldn't actually be very secret if it were in front of you would it? That would be the opposite of a secret relationship, which would in effect just be a ... err relationship. Or in this case an extra-marital relationship with your wife.

So just to be clear I wouldn't have a relationship, secret or otherwise, with your wife and indeed I am not at this moment having a relationship with her anyway. Nor have I had a relationship with her and that is the way it will always be between myself and your good wife. Your wife and I have never had sexual intercourse :)

Well not with each other anyway, I mean I have had a lot of sexual intercourse in the past and I am sure she has had a lot of it too and not only in the past. I am sure she has had it a lot recently as well and clearly when I say a lot of it I mean  a lot of it with you and not drunken strangers picked up from the pub or um... err... other places such as a disco, or nightclub or even the milkman, the list is endless. Clearly, when I say the list is endless I mean the list of places that your wife has not picked up blokes from is endless.

Anyway it also goes without saying that the reason I wouldn't engage in a relationship with your wife is not because of her appearance either, it is because she is your wife and married to you. So you can relax on that one too. Neither would I have a relationship with her if she was married to anyone else either. I wouldn't want you to think that the reason I wouldn't have relationship with her is because she is purely married to you. No I hold everybody in equal esteem and respect, irrespective of the fact that I am not having an affair with neither them nor their spouses.

Not that I have affairs with womens' husbands of course I am the sort of person that would only have an affair with mens' wives.

At this juncture I think I should quickly address a point I made earlier about the appearance of your good wife. I think I should stress here that another reason I wouldn't have a secret relationship with your wife is not because of her looks. I wouldn't want you to think that the reason I wouldn't contemplate not having a relationship with her is not because I think she is unattractive. On the contrary your wife is an attractive woman and I am sure many people who go around having affairs with mens' wives wouldn't dismiss sleeping with your wife because of her appearance. No your wife's appearance is a very good reason for any bloke to approach her for the purposes of a err um.. err quick one.

Please dear Vicar, don't think that I think that your wife is the sort of woman that likes quick ones whilst you are at work delivering a sermon of even the last rites to anyone, although I can't help but think you may be administering the last rites on me before the end of the week. No I am sure your wife is a very pure and honest woman just like your good self. I was only trying to illustrate that I think many an individual would want to give her one against her chagrin and therefore her looks are not the reason I wouldn't have an affair with her, no as I said earlier she is your wife and that is the reason I won't be having an affair.

Of course if she was not married and just single,or widowed then naturally I would adore the opportunity to forge a relationship with your wife. Not that she would be your wife of course I just meant that in terms of reference, as she wouldn't be anybody's wife she would be err... um.. a single woman and therefore eligible to have relationships with as many men as she possibly could. Not that I am saying she is also the sort of women that would potentially engage in sexual activity with as many people as she possibly could if it weren't  for the fact of being married to you. I am merely saying she would be single and therefore I would be of a predisposition to seek to initiate the start of a relationship.  And a long term relationship at that. No Sir I wouldn't be the sort of person that would want to partake in a fling with what would have been the woman who would have been your future wife. No not me.

As far as I am concerned Vicar she is your wife and you  can have as much sex with her as you wish

Thank you for your patience and understanding during the reading of this letter.